Growing Pains

Today was the last day of kindergarten for my middle boy, my James.

He goes to school one day a week, and it has been SUCH a wonderful, nurturing experience for him. His teacher was everything you could ever hope for - smart, patient, cheerful and with a passion for little ones. Our boy was happy to go to school every single Thursday and was always bubbling over with stories of his day when I picked him up.

So, as exciting as the big "graduation day" was, it was also bittersweet for my guy.

We heard his class sing their songs and watched them each get their diplomas and throw their hats in the air.

We visited his classroom and peeled his art off the walls to stuff into an overladen, now frayed, broken-zippered backpack.

Afterward we went swimming and horsed around.

Then, together, we made his favorite dinner (homemade pizza), toasting the end of his first year in school.

Over the course of the evening though, something happened to my guy.

He got surly and teary. He fought with his brothers and mouthed off to his mama and papa, swung from laughing to slamming doors and then back again.

I was ready to pull out all of my hair, and a few handfuls of his too!

But then, at bedtime, he opted to sleep in his own room. This is something he has not done in months and months. He ALWAYS sleeps in his brother's top bunk.

He cried and cried, but remained firm that he needed to sleep in his room. And then it dawned on me. He is crossing a line.

My boy saw today as something monumental, a move along the path to manhood. I don't know if he'll continue to sleep in his own room or not, but it was clearly very important for him to do it on THIS night, of all nights.

I went into his bedroom and lay in his bed with him. I held him and told him how proud of him I am, what a treasure he is, how smart and how kind, and how he is everything I ever hoped I'd have in a little boy. He sobbed - body-shaking, lip quivering sobs, but he did not know why. He said, "I just feel sad."

Poor guy. It is so hard to grow up. It is so hard to WANT to grow up, but at the same time to know that what is lost can never be had again. Even if he couldn't say it, it was apparent that he is, in some small way, understanding that childhood is passing by.

Kindergarten is done.

Before he nodded off though, we talked about how "His mercies are new every morning," how tomorrow is a new day, full of adventure. We talked about all the fun to come in first grade (he will still go to his one day a week school), and about all our plans for the summer. His little shoulders relaxed. I rubbed his forehead until the lines smoothed away and his breathing slowed. He giggled and we hugged, and he went to sleep smiling.

It was a big, big day for a big, BIG boy.

But not too big.

Not yet.

Comments

[Angela]

This post broke my heart and made it overflow with joy, all at the same time.

Being an "oldest child", it brought back memories of those mixed emotions of knowing it was time to "grow up" in certain areas, and yet wishing to cling to my childhood.

I love your response. I love that you noticed his coming of age crossroad, and didn't question him or make him feel foolish for it, and still were able to be there in a way that wasn't overly smothering, but loving. And I LOVE that you gave him scripture to hold onto that would reassure him. Something solid he can carry with him. You are such a good mom. I love coming here! (It's the perfect blend of "sneak peek at what's to come" in my own kids lives, and "How to handle it" when it does!)

[amy]

lovely. I could just wrap my heart around him. Will he go to school one day a week in 1st? Mis of homeschool and traditional? I am just curious as I have a 4 year old...:)

[melmo]

beautifully written. a bit teary myself. i love his realness in experiencing life, and your ability to see where he's at and meet him there.

[Sarah Jackson]

Aww, Stef. Sweet sweet boy and such a tender moment. The wisdom of our growing kids never ceases to amaze me.

[YayaOrchid]

This is such a sweet post. It seems like yesterday when my two boys were little, saying goodbye for the summer to their teachers and classmates. Oh, such beautiful memories you've evoked! Thank you for sharing.

[franticallysimple]

My girl often does the same thing. your post has given me some insight I have been searching for. (And really made me cry.)
Thank you. I mean it.

[Amanda]

I really am learning lots from your blog. My daughter is five in September and does not like the idea of growing up at all! It must be so hard to come to terms with. So reading here I am learning from you how to ease the way for her. Thankyou for sharing!

[Corynne Escalante]

hello, by the way. i've just starting posting on your site without really say hi. :)

wow! this is so beautiful! i am so glad you write these things so that all of these special moments are captured...

what kind of school is this that your son attends, if you don't mind me asking? my 3 year old is approaching school age soon, but i feel so reluctant to send him off...

[Adrienne]

I am wiping my own tears. What a tender moment. My oldest boy turned 4 yesterday and I am just in awe ... where has the time gone. Indeed today is a new day and another adventure!

[Diane]

Ack, I'm all teary here, too. How sweet he is and how sweet you are. Good job, mama!

[erin]

oh stef! that boy is so sweet. when he is about 20, can we set him up with kate?

we had the kindergarten performance yesterday, too. it broke my heart because i know she is moving on, too. time is moving sooooo fast.

[Elissa]

well, now that my eyes are all blurry and i want to hug my guys like crazy, can i just say thanks for letting us know that your kids slam doors and get mouthy occasionally too ;-) whew, that's good to know! Cal's preschool graduation is coming in a couple weeks and i can imagine we'll have some mood swinging around here as well. growing up IS hard, even for me! truly what a blessing that His mercies ARE new every morning. otherwise, i'd be sunk. btw, pic of james on his head, all giddy and on the toothfairy's payroll, PRICELESS!!!! i don't even know him and i know you have captured his very essence in that moment! definite photo mojo ;-)

[Sarah]

What a wonderful (and very true) post. It is indeed hard to grow up and sad to leave our past, even when we are excited for the future. I'm 28 and I still want my mommy to take care of me some times and just sit with me and tell me I'm great and everything will be okay...I'm sure I'll feel like that no matter how old I am!

Congratulations on your graduation, James! You have many exciting years ahead, and I'm confident you'll be an amazing man!

[emily]

i'm crying.

[Mandy]

Ok you made me cry....again. This is the most bittersweet thing ever! It is so hard to grow up. One thing I work on daily is trying to REMEMBER what it was like when I was their age and how I felt.

And how cute are those stinkin graduation caps? Oh my!

[Crystal]

It is so hard to grow up. To be at home in your own skin when your own skin is changing and growing is near impossable, I guess thats why they call them growing pains... I try to remind my wee ones about the adventures to come, like you did with your son. Still, it's hard stuff.

Congrats to your son on his graduation! :)

[Collins]

I love this post. What a sweet boy! You did such a great job of letting him feel just what he needed to. Enjoy your summer!

[Stephanie]

Oh, my. My daughter is grown now, but that brings back old and not so old memories. I don't wish for her to be 6 again, but I remember so clearly the snaggle-toothed grin that could stop my heart. Kudos to you for being able to see past the misbehaving to what he was really feeling.

[Tonya]

Yup, I'm crying too. That was beautiful. What an amazing day.

[Eren]

Oh James, it is rough growing up at any age...and sometimes I want to throw a fit too. Love you you sweet boy and congrtulations! First grade is going to love you!

[Tonya]

Aww . . . I have tears welling up, too. I have a little almost-9-month-old, and he's already growing up so fast! (His middle name, by the way, is James.)

Congratulations to James on a new chapter. Growing up doesn't get any easier, but it does bring lots of rewards.

[Courtney]

beautiful.

[Laura e. R.]

Aw! Congrats little man! My little guy is nearly 2 and I know I'll be beside myself when he goes to Kindergarden.

I missed your post yesterday, but I wanted to recommend *egg custard* to you for kids' breakfast. I actually posted the recipe on my site with a pict (most recent post). DS, DH and I all love it. Can add as many eggs as you want and so so quick and easy to make :)

[katie]

so sweet. so, so, sweet.

[Jenna]

that was so sweet. totally made me cry. it's so hard to hold on to time. "stay little for just a bit longer." at least long enough so that we will remember. beautiful post. thanks for sharing. :)