Growing Pains

Today was the last day of kindergarten for my middle boy, my James.

He goes to school one day a week, and it has been SUCH a wonderful, nurturing experience for him. His teacher was everything you could ever hope for - smart, patient, cheerful and with a passion for little ones. Our boy was happy to go to school every single Thursday and was always bubbling over with stories of his day when I picked him up.

So, as exciting as the big "graduation day" was, it was also bittersweet for my guy.

We heard his class sing their songs and watched them each get their diplomas and throw their hats in the air.

We visited his classroom and peeled his art off the walls to stuff into an overladen, now frayed, broken-zippered backpack.

Afterward we went swimming and horsed around.

Then, together, we made his favorite dinner (homemade pizza), toasting the end of his first year in school.

Over the course of the evening though, something happened to my guy.

He got surly and teary. He fought with his brothers and mouthed off to his mama and papa, swung from laughing to slamming doors and then back again.

I was ready to pull out all of my hair, and a few handfuls of his too!

But then, at bedtime, he opted to sleep in his own room. This is something he has not done in months and months. He ALWAYS sleeps in his brother's top bunk.

He cried and cried, but remained firm that he needed to sleep in his room. And then it dawned on me. He is crossing a line.

My boy saw today as something monumental, a move along the path to manhood. I don't know if he'll continue to sleep in his own room or not, but it was clearly very important for him to do it on THIS night, of all nights.

I went into his bedroom and lay in his bed with him. I held him and told him how proud of him I am, what a treasure he is, how smart and how kind, and how he is everything I ever hoped I'd have in a little boy. He sobbed - body-shaking, lip quivering sobs, but he did not know why. He said, "I just feel sad."

Poor guy. It is so hard to grow up. It is so hard to WANT to grow up, but at the same time to know that what is lost can never be had again. Even if he couldn't say it, it was apparent that he is, in some small way, understanding that childhood is passing by.

Kindergarten is done.

Before he nodded off though, we talked about how "His mercies are new every morning," how tomorrow is a new day, full of adventure. We talked about all the fun to come in first grade (he will still go to his one day a week school), and about all our plans for the summer. His little shoulders relaxed. I rubbed his forehead until the lines smoothed away and his breathing slowed. He giggled and we hugged, and he went to sleep smiling.

It was a big, big day for a big, BIG boy.

But not too big.

Not yet.

Comments

[Tracey@Paper Dolls for Boys]

Well you sure know how to make a momma cry! So beautiful, every word.

[Ellie]

I'm crying too. You are a wonderul Mama, just lying there and stroking his forehead, and hugging and listening and reassuring. How can such sweet little creatures understand things so well? They know and feel so truely and deeply, and listen to themselves so intuitively.
It's so great that he was able to simply sad I'm sad, and I don't know why. I wish I had the wisdom to do that.
I think my little one is going through a growth of sorts, but doesn't quite know how to express or vocalise it, except for the whinging and crying and hitting phase.
Thank you xx

[Mama Urchin]

so sweet

[Julie @ Letter9]

Oh, I remember that feeling SO well that your post made me cry cry cry. I remember I used to collect these little porcelain dogs and in fourth grade I felt like I needed to give them all away to my little sister. Only, I was so sad about it -- I didn't want to give them to her but I knew that they were for little kids and I knew that giving them to her was important for me to do.

So I gave them to her but I made her sign a contract stating that if I ever wanted them back, she had to give them to me.

A couple of years ago we found that contract and I've saved it. It's my marker of exactly the kind of moments of which you write.

Oh.

[Relyn]

I cried a little as I read this post. Probably because my little one finishes Kindergarten too. She has about a week and a half left and it feels so bittersweet. Each new stage is beautiful and brings so much joy, but I always mourn for what we have left behind. I always feel sad as my baby girl gets left further and further behind. Isn't motherhood odd? I cry even as I am so excited to see what is coming next. It's good to know we're not alone. Isn't it?

[MadWoman]

I don't know if it is something about today in general, and the tone of the posts I have been reading, or if y'all are genuinely tugging at my heart strings, but this was the third post in 10 minutes to get me teary.

What a wonderfully written tribute to your son. I love that you recognised his inner struggle in the crossing over from Kindie to Gr 1. Poor boy, it must be a rollercoaster of emotions for him.

Happy Mothers Day mama!!

[Kristi]

Ok, I do not put anything past James, but wow, that he understood that! I don't think I taught that, it must have been the homeschool part! I loved having your son this year. He brought so much insight into the classroom and after reading this it just amazes me me even more what a special kiddo he is. More than I even saw! XOXO, James! I am going to miss you next year, but will read about all of your sdventures!!! I LOVED my b-fast cookies, cannot wait to make peanut butter ones!!
~Mrs. Richards

[Grace]

There's something very special about those James-es in our lives, I think.

[consuelo]

Tears running down my face I am writing my comments. My little boy is now 39. I'd give all I have to be back in the stage when my children were little. It went by so fast and I had no idea it would. Please, other mothers of young children, learn from me. Don't turn your precious gifts from God over to the government/public schools to influence for most of the day, five days a week, 9 months per year. Your child may have a caring, able teacher but the system itself will do much harm to your children. Teachers must follow the rules of the state.

[consuelo]

Tears running down my face I am writing my comments. My little boy is now 39. I'd give all I have to be back in the stage when my children were little. It went by so fast and I had no idea it would. Please, other mothers of young children, learn from me. Don't turn your precious gifts from God over to the government/public schools to influence for most of the day, five days a week, 9 months per year. Your child may have a caring, able teacher but the system itself will do much harm to your children. Teachers must follow the rules of the state.